God’s Blueprint For Wives
Pastor David L. Brown, Ph.D.
In the early years of my marriage, we purchased and assembled
our own storage cabinet from Sears. When I got it home I tore open the box, laid
out the pieces on the floor and began to assemble the cabinet. My dear wife
sweetly said, "don’t you think you should look at the directions
first?" I responded something to the effect, "No, it looks like a
piece of cake." After all I had a toolbox filled with Craftsman tools and I
had worked in a machine shop.
Well, I have to tell you that I got that cabinet 80% done. I
was so proud of my self! I was just a hair breath from gloating. And then I came
to the realization that try as I might, I could not get the main shelf into the
cabinet. I tried everything. I pulled. I stuck my tongue out. I grunted and
tried to force it into place. What was I going to do. It just would not fit. But
the worst part for me was that I, a gifted and talented new husband with
mechanical ability, was going to have to "eat crow" and admit to my
wife that...SHE WAS RIGHT! I should have looked at the directions first!
I swallowed hard, forced a smile and said, "I guess I am
going to have to take a look at those directions. I can’t figure out how to
get this stupid shelf in."
That was my wife’s golden opportunity. She could have said,
"I told you so." But, she resisted the temptation and offered to read
the directions to me. As it turned out, I had to tear the cabinet apart and go
back to nearly the first step. Today, every time I go down to the family room I
see that cabinet. It stands as a reminder to me that it is important to follow
the instructions.
The truth is that many marriages are in trouble today because
the couple goes about their marriage just like I was going about trying to put
the cabinet together. They figure that they are intelligent people and besides
they love each other so they try to put their marriage together the way they
think it should fit. But, they soon find out that it is not fitting together
like it should. Confusion, and frustration set in and before you know it all the
joy is gone. So what should you do? God has provided specific instructions on
how a marriage is to work! God has revealed specific information and
direction concerning the purpose of marriage and the varying but complementary
responsibilities of the two people who form the marriage. God has given certain
responsibilities to the wife and certain responsibilities to the husband. When
two people know, accept, and fulfill their varying but complementary
responsibilities, oneness in marriage is promoted. But, when the husband and
wife either do not understand or will not fulfill their God-given
responsibilities, great confusion and frustration is the result. What I am
saying is follow the instructions God has given!
We have previously considered the husband's responsibility to
his wife; 1) He is to love his wife 2) He is to lead his wife. This
is God’s will for each husband. In this chapter, we are going to focus on
the wife’s responsibility to her husband.
- A Wife’s Two Key Responsibilities To Her Husband
1. She is to submit to her husband
2. She is to assist, aid and complete her husband
Let's focus on the first point…
1. A Wife Is Responsible To Submit To Her Husband
While the idea of the wife's submission to her husband is not
a very popular one in our day, it is God’s will that a wife submit to her
husband. The woman’s liberation movement has gone to great lengths to
undermine the Biblical truths of the role of the wife in marriage. There is a
great deal of antagonism to wifely submission that has arisen even in Christian
circles because many Christian women have adopted the rebellious attitudes and
accepted the teachings of the modern woman’s movement concerning their role in
the home. To follow the world in this matter is nothing less than rebellion
against God. Today’s family problems stem from husbands and wives who refuse
to follow God's instructions.
- Word Studies Related To Submission
The key passage that deals with submission is…
Ephesians 5:22-24 & 33 Wives, submit
yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the
head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the
saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto
Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 33
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as
himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
The Greek word translated submit in verse 22
& subject in verse 24 is from the word upotassesqe
(hoop-ot-as'-so; 5293). It means 1) to arrange under, to subordinate 2) to
subject, put in subjection 3) to subject one's self, obey 4) to submit to one's
control 5) to yield to one's admonition or advice 6) to obey, be subject. The
word is a Greek military term meaning "to arrange troop divisions in
a military fashion under the command of a leader". In non-military use, it
was "a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming
responsibility, and carrying a burden".
That brings me to the word reverence in verse
33. It is the Greek word fobhtai (fob-eh'-o;
5399) to fear; to be afraid; to treat with deference or reverential obedience.
It is interesting to see how Bible translators have
translated this verse –
1380 Wycliff
"…the wife dread her husband."
1534 Tyndale
"…And let the wife see that she fear her
husband."
1557 Geneva Bible
"…let the wife see that she fear her husband."
16ll King James Version
"…the wife see that she reverence her husband."
Now, I know someone is thinking, "Pastor, are you saying
that a wife should be ‘afraid’ of her husband?" Let me make myself
clear. A wife should continually treat her husband with deference and
reverential obedience. Indeed she should be fearful not to submit to him for as
the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in
every thing. (24). Simply stated, every wife will give account to
Christ as to how she submitted to her husband. That is why she should be afraid
not to obey her husband.
Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit (5293)
yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit (proper) in the Lord.
Titus 2:4-5 That they may teach the young women to be
sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 To be discreet, chaste,
keepers at home, good, obedient (5293) to their own husbands, that
the word of God be not blasphemed.
1 Peter 3:1-6 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection
(5293) to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may
without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold
your chaste conversation coupled with fear (5401, same root as 5399).
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and
of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4 But let it be the hidden man
of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and
quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5 For after this
manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned
themselves, being in subjection (5293) unto their own husbands: 6
Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long
as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
A Christian wife cannot be a Godly wife if she does not
submit to her husband. But, what do you do if your husband is unsaved or if your
husband is a Christian but out of fellowship with God? The answer is the same.
You submit to your husband. In fact, in the above verse there is a special
promise to those who submit to ungoldy or rebellious husbands.
Dr. Warren Wiersbe says this about verse 6.
Peter closed this section by pointing to Sarah as an
example of a godly, submissive wife. Christian wives today would probably
embarrass their husbands if they called them "lord," but their
attitudes ought to be such that they could call them "lord" and
people would believe it. The believing wife who submits to Christ and to her
husband, and who cultivates a "meek and quiet spirit" will never
have to be afraid. The "fear" in this verse means
"terror"…God will watch over her even when her unsaved mate
creates problems and difficulties for her.
Henry Alford comments in his Commentary on the New Testament,
"As long as the believing wives are doing good, they need not be afraid
with any sudden terror of the account which unbelieving husbands may exact from
them."
I do however want to point out this important fact. If a
husband would direct the wife to do something that the Bible forbids, such
things as murdering, stealing, participating in sexual activity outside the
marriage bond, etc., then Acts 5:29 comes into play -- Then Peter and
the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.
God’s Will For Every Wife Is That She Submit To Her Husband!
WHAT SUBMISSION DOES NOT MEAN
- Submission Does Not Mean The Wife Becomes A Slave
The definition of a slave is, "a human being who is
owned by and absolutely subject to another human being, as by capture, purchase,
or birth." A husband does not own his wife! She is not his possession. She
is his companion, completer, compliment, helper and assistant. The Bible
never describes a wife as a slave but rather one that the husband is to be
joined or cleave to. Ephesians 5:31 For this cause shall a man leave
his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be
one flesh. (Mat. 19:5 - cleave). Any husband who treats his wife as
"his property" or as a slave is in trouble with God! That is NOT how a
wife is to be treated. Husbands, we are to cherish our wives!
In reality, submission frees the wife to function within the
parameters of the husband's direction. Submission frees the wife to become all
that God intends her to become.
- Submission Does Not Mean The Wife Is Inferior To The
Husband
Let me ask you a question. "Was Jesus Christ inferior to
Mary and Joseph?" The answer to that is most certainly "NO!" But,
turn to Luke 2:51 And he went down with them, and came to Nazareth,
and was subject unto them: but his mother kept all these sayings in her
heart. Though Christ was not inferior to Mary and Joseph, he submitted to
them. But there is more. Christ also submitted to his Heavenly Father and yet
Jesus Christ was in no way inferior to God the Father. He was and is fully and
completely God, in every sense (Colossians 2:9). Yet the Scripture asserts that
there is order and structure in the Trinity. Jesus said, I can of mine own
self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not
mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me. John 5:30.
The apostle Paul declared in 1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you
know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the
man; and the head of Christ is God. Again, this certainly does not imply
that Christ is inferior to God the Father. Rather it teaches that there is a
division of labor and responsibility in the Trinity. In like fashion, the
submission of the wife in no way implies inferiority. Instead, it teaches the
necessity for order and structure, for a division of responsibility within the
home. God has chosen the husband to be the loving leader in the home. He has
chosen the wife to be in the support role in the home, not the slave. In fact, I
also turn your attention to the fact that husbands are to honor their wives! Honor
means to consider very valuable or precious. 1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye
husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife,
as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life;
that your prayers be not hindered.
One additional thought before I move on. When it comes to
your spiritual relationship with God there is no division of responsibility, men
and women are equal. Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek,
there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all
one in Christ Jesus. The ground is level at the Cross!
- Submission Does Not Mean The Wife Never Opens Her Mouth,
Never Has An Opinion or Never Gives Advice.
Some people have mistakenly interpreted 1 Peter 3:4
"…the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit…" to say that a
woman is to keep her mouth shut and may not express her opinion or offer advice
in the context of the family relationship. While women are to be silent in the
preaching and teaching roles over men in the church, though they may teach
children (1 Timothy 2:11-14), this does not apply to the home. When a wife
expresses herself in the home it is to be with a meek and quiet spirit.
The word meek is the Greek word praeoV
(prah-ooce' 4239) which means mild or gentle. The word quiet
is the translation of the Greek word hsuciou (hay-soo'-khee-os;
2272) which means to keep your seat, to be tranquil, peaceful or undisturbed by
outward circumstances. Therefore, this is not an injunction to keep silent,
rather, when she does express herself it is in a gentle, tranquil way not in a
bold, assertive, brassy, loud way. In fact, Proverbs 15:1 wonderfully
contrasts the right way and the wrong way for a wife (or anyone) to express
herself -- A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up
anger. There is an additional verse I want to point out before I go on. Proverbs
31:26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of
kindness. Indeed a wife will offer advice properly and a wise husband will
listen and carefully weigh what she has to say.
- Submission Does Not Mean The Wife Becomes A Wallflower Who
Never Uses Her Gifts & Abilities
Proverbs 31:10-31 is God’s example of a Biblical
wife. Even a quick reading shows that this woman made full use of the talents
and abilities God gave her.
WHAT SUBMISSION DOES MEAN
- Scripture indicates that it is the wife's responsibility to
make herself submissive
Nowhere is the husband commanded to physically force his wife
into submission. Rather, the wife is commanded to make herself
submissive.
(See Ephesians 5:22 & 1 Peter 3:1)
- Scripture indicates that the wife's submission is to be
continuous
The Greek verb in most passages about submission is in the
present tense. Therefore, submission is to be the continuous life style of the
wife. (See Ephesians 5:22 & 1 Peter 3:1 )
- Wifely submission is mandatory, not optional
The Greek verb is in the imperative mood. (Compare Ephesians
5:21, 22 and I Peter 3:1) Her submission is not to be based upon the
way her husband treats her. Nor is it to be conditioned by the husband's
abilities, talents, wisdom, education, or spiritual state. (I Peter 3:1)
- Wifely submission is a spiritual matter, done "as to
the Lord"
Ephesians 5:22
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own
husbands, as unto the Lord. Refusal to submit to the husband is therefore
rebellion against God Himself. Submission to the husband is a test of her love
for God as well as a test of love for her husband. The wife then must look upon
her submission to her husband as an act of obedience to Christ and not merely to
her husband. Jesus said, If ye love me, keep my commandments. (John
14:15), and one of his commands to wives is, "submit yourselves unto
your own husbands…"
- Submission is a positive, not negative concept
It emphasizes what the wife should do, rather than
what she should not do. Submission means that the wife puts all of her talents,
abilities, resources, energy at her husband's disposal. Submission means that
the wife yields and uses all of her abilities under the management of her
husband for the good of her husband and family. Submission means that she sees
herself as a part of her husband's team. She is not her husband's opponent
fighting at cross purposes or trying to outdo him. She is not merely an
individual going her separate way. She is her husband's teammate striving for
the same goal. She has ideas, opinions, desires, requests, and insights, and she
lovingly makes them known. But she knows that on any good team, someone has to
make the final decisions and plans. She knows that the team members must support
the team leader, his plans and decisions, or no progress will be made, and
confusion and frustration will result.
- Submission involves the wife's attitudes as well as her
actions
Jesus Christ was thoroughly submitted to the Father. Jesus
saith unto them, My meat is to do the will of him that sent me, and to finish
his work. (John 4:34). But how did He serve the Father? He served the Father
with gladness. He delighted to do the Father's will (Psalm 40:7, 8).
Likewise, the wife's submission to her husband is to be cheerful, not servile or
grudging. Scripture declares that God's kind of wife worketh willingly with
her hands. (Prov. 31:13), finding great satisfaction in using all of her
God-given resources to fulfill the needs of her husband and family.
- Wifely submission is to be extensive
She is to be subject unto her husband as the church is
to Christ (Eph. 5:24). And how broad should the submission of the church be to
Christ? Well, the submission of the church to Christ is to be total; it is to be
comprehensive. Christ is the head over all things to the church, (Eph.
1:22), and the church is to do whatever it does in word or deed in the name of
the Lord Jesus, in total dependence upon His person, acknowledging and
recognizing Him in all its ways, doing all for His honor and glory (Col. 3:17;
Prov. 3:5, 6; I Cor. 10:31). In like fashion Paul says, wives are to be subject
to their husbands in "every thing." Submission is not to be an
on-again off-again matter for the wife. Nor is it to be a selective, choose what
you like, reject what you do not like proposition. Submission is to be her life
style at all times, in all places, and in everything. Certainly this does not
mean that she must obey her husband when he commands her to do what God
forbids or tries to keep her from doing what God commands. She is to be subject
to her husband "as is fitting in the Lord" (Col. 3:18). A
wife's submission to her husband then is to be extensive, but not necessarily
total or unlimited. She is to obey him in everything except that which
contradicts the Word of God. And even then she is to disobey in a loving,
submissive fashion, explaining calmly and clearly her reasons for disobedience,
assuring her husband of her love and loyalty, and seeking to demonstrate that
love and loyalty in a variety of continuous and tangible ways. She is to be her
husband's helper (Gen. 2:18), and this she can never be if she manifests a
contentious, inconsiderate, uncooperative spirit.
God’s Will For Every Wife Is That She Submit To Her Husband
& Reverence Him!
Tangible Ways You Can Reverence Your Husband
Make it obvious to others and your children that your husband "wears the
pants" in the family
(Ephesians 5:23)
Do not speak to your husband sarcastically or in a condescending manner
(Proverbs 21:19)
Don’t contradict him in front of others (Proverbs 31:12)
Don’t talk for your husband or interrupt him when he is speaking (1
Corinthians 13:4-5)
Treat your husband in private as respectfully as you do your pastor,
neighbor, or friend in public (1 Peter 2:17)
Do not bring up his shortcomings to others (Proverbs 31:23)
Do not compare your husband unfavorably with other men (Philippians
4:11)
Listen to his opinion carefully and try to understand him (James 1:19)
Respect his requests by trying to do as he asks, even if it does not seem
important to you (Ephesians 5:24)
Respect his position in the home so that he can depend on you to do as he
asks even when he is not there (Proverbs 31:11)
Do not nag, pester or quarrel with him about things you want done, but
tactfully appeal to him (Proverbs 27:15)
Rearrange your schedule so that you are available to spend time with him
and meet his needs (Titus 2:4)
Do not try to manipulate or bully him by making a threat, whining, crying or
withholding marital privileges (Proverbs 25:24; 1 Corinthians 7:4-7)
Praise him for his good character qualities (Proverbs 14:1)
Admit it when you are wrong (James 5:16)
Show a grateful spirit by letting him know you appreciate him and the things
he provides (Colossians 3:15)
God’s Will For Every Wife Is That She Reverence Her Husband!
Let’s move on to the Wife’s Second Key Responsibility To Her Husband…
2. A Wife Is Responsible To Help, Assist, Aid And Complete Her
Husband
An honest examination of the Scriptures leads to the
conclusion that the wife's primary ministry in life is her husband. The first
indication we have of this is found in Genesis 2:18-22. This passage
reveals several important details about the wife’s relationship to her
husband.
- God made the woman to be man's helper.
It is important for men to see that without the woman, man,
even in his perfect condition, was incomplete.
- God made the woman to be a suitable helper.
None of the animals could provide the kind of help that man
needed. Only woman could do that. Proverbs 18:22
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs
31:10-11
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above
rubies. 11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall
have no need of spoil.
- God created the woman to correspond to man.
She is
similar to man, yet somewhat different. She is man's complement, not his carbon
copy. She is to man what a key is to a lock and what a film is to a camera—indispensable. 1 Corinthians 11:11 Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman,
neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.
It is clear from the Bible, that the wife was made to fulfill
the needs, the lacks, and the inadequacies of her husband. She was made
to be her husband's unique helper. She is to "do him good and
not evil all the days of her life" (Proverbs 31:12). She is to be
like a fruitful vine in her husband's house (Psalm 128:3). She is
to be "one flesh" with her husband, and this will happen only
as she accepts and fulfills her God-appointed role in marriage.
This does not mean that everything she does must have a
direct connection to her husband. Nor does it mean that she
should never do anything for her own benefit or for the benefit of others, or
that she should never become involved in activities or ministries outside the
home. But, it does mean, however, that she ought never to do anything
which would be detrimental or harmful to her husband or that
would cause her to neglect her primary ministry of helping her husband (Prov.
31: 10-31).
Some Ways A Wife Can Fulfill Her Role
As Her Husband’s Helper
- Be affectionate to your husband
Titus 2:4
That they may teach
the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their
children. The word love in this verse is Strongs #5362 which means to be affectionate to your husband, to be
your husband’s affectionate companion.
- Make your home a place of comfort and refuge
Titus 2:5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at
home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not
blasphemed.
The main focus of a wife is not to be her career, but her
husband, home and children. The home should be a place of comfort and refuge.
Avoid the danger of allowing the home to be in shambles and full of disorder and
confusion. But also avoid the danger of making the house a show place where
everything must always be neat and immaculate. Most husbands want homes to live
in, not a show place to visit.
- Be trustworthy and dependable
Proverbs 31:11-12 The heart of her husband doth
safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12 She will do him
good and not evil all the days of her life.
- Cooperate with your husband in raising children and keeping
the household running
Proverbs 31:26-28 She openeth
her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 27 She looketh
well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. 28 Her
children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
Titus 2:4 That they may teach
the young women to… love their children. The word "love" means
to be fond of, therefore to be fond of your children or maternal.
1 Timothy 5:13-14 And withal
they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle,
but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not. 14 I
will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house,
give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.
The phrase "guide the house" is but one Greek word, Strongs #3616 which means one who manages
domestic affairs or the home.
- Be an industrious, frugal, diligent, ambitious, and
creative member of the team -- Proverbs 10:13-24
- Being satisfied with your position, your possessions, and
your tasks
Philippians 4:6-13
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with
thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7 And the peace of God,
which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ
Jesus. 8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are
honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever
things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue,
and if there be any praise, think on these things. 9 Those things, which ye have
both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace
shall be with you. 10 But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last
your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye
lacked opportunity. 11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have
learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. 12 I know both
how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am
instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Hebrews 13:5 Let your conversation be without
covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I
will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
- Offer suggestions and advice and discuss things openly and
honestly in a loving fashion
Proverbs 31:26
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
Ephesians 4:25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak
every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
God's Will For Every Wife Is:
That She Help Her Husband. Are
You Your Husband's Helper?
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